“Is that …?”
Vampie nodded. “Yep.”
“Honestly, by God, that …?”
“Indeed, my dear Mage.”
I couldn’t find words. It was bad enough we still hadn’t found a way out of the templed, and my belly was demanding the last bits of dried fruit and chicken jerky in my bag. This creepy crazy temple full of creepy crazy creatures had now just jumped head first off the bizarro cliff.
“That’s it,” I declared, stamping my staff on the ground. “I’m officially changing the name of this place to perv temple.”
Vampie gave me a sideways look and smirked. “Can’t handle a little nudity?”
“This …” I gestured to the large painted clay pots. “… is more than a little nudity.”
He looked up and down the large room full of (let’s call it erotic) pottery and statues. One hand rubbed over his pale chin as if he had a beard or something. Which is an absurd gesture, by the way. Vampires can’t grow beards. Or hair for that matter. Whatever was on their body when they were turned is all they have left. Vampie was fortunate to still have a full head of hair, which meant he was very lucky or young for a vampire.
“I suppose the statues are a bit much,” he finally decided. “They don’t leave much to the imagination. They even have pubic hair.”
I knew I shouldn’t be looking, but curiosity got the better of me. Holding my hand with the light spell in it closer to one of the statues, I saw he was right. They were surprisingly (or disturbingly) accurate. “This place gets weirder by the hour.”
“At least there are no monsters here,” Vampie stated far louder than I would have liked. I cringed, but nothing happened. Looking back the way we came, I tried to spot monsters. We seemed to be in the clear.
For now anyway.
Vampie pouted and folded his arms together. “I said, at least there are no monsters here.”
“Vampie! Keep your voice down. What if something hears you?”
He shrugged. “I apologize. This just seemed like a perfect ambush spot.”
Looking in the room, he seemed right. Still, he didn’t need to yell.
He squared his shoulders. “Let’s press on, shall we.”
I scuttled after him. “What kind of temple was this?”
“My guess would be one to an ancient fertility deity of some sort, given our surroundings.”
“I’m glad we’re so much more civilized today.”
Vampie snorted. “Hardly. In those days, people knew how to have fun. Now humans are just boring.”
“We’re not boring. My last get together we my schoolmates was a grand time with games and stories and spells —“
“Booorrriiing,” Vampie interrupted. “Where was the passion? The singing? The dancing, alchole, women?”
I jabbed my staff at him. “I am a woman, you know that right? Or have you forgotten how to tell men and women apart in you old age?”
He smirked. “Could have fooled me.”
I pursed my lips, ready to give him a good tongue lashing when a chill ran down my spin. Vampie felt it too. The smirk dropped from his face and his eyes were already searching for the trap. I whipped around so we’d be back to back. This was our most defensible position.
There was nowhere to run either. We were trapped in a room with only two doors.
On the up side, at least we’d destroy this obscene pottery.
Vampie squealed like a frightened toddler. He jumped behind me, more pale than before. Slowly, they moved into the light.
Slimes. Hideous green-blue slimes. They were oozing out of their pots. Though small, these things do pack a nasty bite. Well, not so much bite as absorption, drowning, and slow dissolving of your body. Most of the time, they were more attracted to dead flesh since it was already partially broken down. Plus, Vampie aside, dead things didn’t run.
Speaking of, Vampie looked on the verge of hysterics. For a powerful vampire, he sure was a wimp.
I raised my staff in the air. “Bad giant ameba plant slimes! Bad!” All the slimes stopped, then jerked back. “You get back into your sick little pervy pots right now.” Slowly, they slunk back to their pots and slurped back into them.
Vampie stared at me, wide eyed and mouth hanging open. He pointed at first to me, then to the retreating slime and back at me again. He was trying to say something, but all that came out where the starts of words.
I rolled my eyes. “Earth mage, remember? Slimes are just large collections of tiny plant creatures. They listen to earth mages. Sheesh, you act like we were in danger at some point.”
I brushed passed him. The sooner we were out of that room the better.
After a moment, he came after me. “Very impressive, Mage.”
“High praise from the vampire,” I teased.
“I may keep you longer after all,” he teased back.
There was no need to tell him that slimes really only listen half the time. It might worry him too much, and I didn’t want to find out if vampires can wet their pants.