literature

Temple of the Insane

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    Gorillas dressed in armor. I really didn’t think that needs further description. Okay, maybe a little more. They were gorillas in rusty armor standing in front of a door arguing with “oh-oh” and “ah-ah” sounds.

    Vampie, my temporary vampire companion, looked at me with this odd expression, like he couldn’t decide if he should laugh or be horrified.

    I couldn’t blame him. I was at a loss too. It wasn’t that we hadn’t encountered weird things in this horrible place already. It was just that this was beyond anything I had been trained for.

    Not that I was saying I was trained for any of this. I was a mage. Ages were supposed to have quiet lives in libraries and such. We weren’t made for adventuring.

    We had to get passed them, though. There was no other way to go, or at least no close other way to go and I wasn’t trekking back if I didn’t have to.

    “Any ideas?” I asked.

    Vampie shrugged and shook his head. “You’re the idea person.”

    “You’re supposedly older and wiser,” I countered.

    “Touché. I still do not have a plan though.”

    “Sure you couldn’t take them?”

    He held out his arms. Right, noodle arms. Despite the fact that vampires are super strong, I apparently was stuck with the only weak vampire in existence.

    So how does one get passed gorillas in armor? I scanned the cave. So far, we had a good hiding spot around a corner. The gorillas were too caught up in arguing about something to hear us. There was nothing else around though. I had a quarter staff and a few spells, but most of my spells made things grow, not explode or tremble in terror.

    Merciful Mother of the Dawn, how did I get myself into this mess? I’m not the praying type, but this felt like a moment to pray. There was light ahead, which could be a way out, and two gorillas were blocking the way. If there was ever a time for godly intervention, this was it. Who knows, maybe this once she would hear me.

    “I have an idea,” Vampie whispered. “Follow my lead.”

    Well, the gods worked in mysterious ways so perhaps my prayers were just answered.

    I wasn’t sure where this was going to go, but Vampie hadn’t let me down so far, so I was willing to follow him.

    Stepping out like he owned the place, Vampie walked straight towards the gorillas. I just about had a panic attack. Vampie couldn’t fight them. He was the world’s weakest vampire.

    “What are you doing?” I hissed as we approached.

    “Confidence,” he stated in a voice that was much to calm for the situation. Those gorillas could pound us both into pancakes.

    The gorillas stopped oh-ohing at each other and stared at us. One pounded his fist into his hand. We were going to die. I just knew it.

    “Hey!” Vampie snapped. “Attention, soldiers.”

    I froze.

    So did the gorillas.

    For this long moment, nothing except Vampie moved. I’m not sure I even breathed.

    Then both gorillas snapped to attention. Their armor clicked and they became stiff as boards and looked like actual soldiers in an army.

    And let us walk right passed. Just like that? No fuss? No nothing?

    What the hell?

    There was no reason to question it, so I scuttled after Vampie. 

    As we passed through the door, the gorillas shouted, “Sir, yes sir.” Apparently, they were talking gorillas, which raised more questions than it answered.

    This place had officially become too weird even for me. My best guess now was that I was dreaming all of it.

    When we were in the other room, I leaned in close to Vampie. “Friends of yours?”

    “No, but I’ve found confidence is the key to many things. It was the best way to deal with my ex … until she developed more confidence than me, but that’s a long story. I don’t really want to talk about her. So, you’re a mage. What’s that?”

    I looked to where he was pointing and a strange panel took up a whole wall. The carvings on it were old and the metal gears and strips were rusted. Quite a few gears were missing, most likely already pillaged.

    I shrugged. “A machine from the wars, probably.” I turned around, looking back the way we came. “This whole place could be one, now that I think about it. It’s broken though.”

    “Well I would hope so. The war has been over since before even I was born. Can you read the inscriptions?”

    “Nope,” I stated without even looking. “I specialized in making things grow, and to be honest, I was a bad student.” I traced my hand along the wall. “This looks like a central chamber, though, which means there should be a map …” I trailed off, looking for any sign of a map. I spotted it near the door, carved right into the wall. “Here.” My fingers found a small star shape marking where we were. Then it was just a matter of finding where we came from and where to go. “I don’t suppose you have anything to write with, do you?”

    Vampie sighed and slumped his shoulders. “No.”

    “Me neither. But you have a good memory, right?”

    “No.”

    I stared at the stone map. “We are doomed.”

    “So doomed,” he agreed.

    One of the gorillas poked his head in. “Are you just lost?” We stared at him. “Uh, cuz as long as you aren’t here to steal, we’ll totally show you the way out. We’re just here to keep looters out.”

    I couldn’t find the words.

    Vampie, meanwhile, practically beamed with joy. “Why, lead on my good sirs.”

    And they did. Yep, talking gorillas in armor were leading us out.

    Temple of the insane, that’s what I was calling this place from now on.

Flash Fiction Month day 20. Only 11 more days to go. Today's was a challenge to do surreal humor using  Deus ex Machina and adding in a diety (Dawn goddess), an ex-lover (Vampie's ex), and a machine (fromthe war). Oh, and I managed to make it another Mge and Vampie story! Yay! I think there is one more in there where they get out. Then I will be done with them.

Or will I? Mwahahahahahahaha! 

You can read the other Mage and Vampie stories here:
Mage and Vampie #1
Mage and Vampie #2
Mage and Vampie #3
Mage and Vampie #4
Mage and Vampie #5
Mage and Vampie #7

Plus a short of Mage when she was still in school.

© 2016 - 2024 Tealya
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What good fortune to find companionship in a really rare species, the world's weakest vampire - better than a super-strong but dim-witted zombie, anyway ;).(Really like the way all the required elements come together so well in this story Heart )